i had six guest in total today and some interesting results from peope on the other side of the webcam.

akin to what happens with the women (and men) on sex cams people started requesting things from me, for example stand on your head and do star jumps.

these requests were mostly silly in ways, i had anticipated that this is the more comfortable approach to a web cam, especially within the circumstances that many of the people knew me personally, so i would have been suprised should they have asked to to do somethings explicitly sexual, but i would have complied.

i guess theres still embaressment about sexual activites and when confronted with the options and the notions most seem to shy aways from the subject or put on a more jokey, casual stance towards it.

but its very much the same effect, the same " i can ask this person to do whatever i want them to do and they might do it" its the same power they gain over an individual and voyeristic in more ways than just a sexual way, the desire to see someone do something you have told them to do, regardless of whether it is sexual in nature is yet again still exercising this dominance and objectivity of the person on camera, and it brings out a part of peoples personality much in the same way as the sexy webcams, want, get , need.

i've been through many mixed emotions today, a suprising level of wanting to please my audience by doing the things they request of me even though i would not really like to, and when faced with this realisation i discovered that perhaps the women (men) on sexy webcams feel very much the same.

so i wonder what drives them to it? money? attention?

so many different factors come into this activity.

i felt immense fatigue after being on camera for several hours, it takes something from you that no other activity can, my father always said that cameras suck away your soul. i wonder how much soul i will have left after 10 more days if this is true. All i do know is that at this level of activity and surveillance by the time im finish, i will be different, maybe not forever, maybe not significantly so, but i can alreayd feel myself changing, pride to some extent is being broken down and im slowly realising i am a subject for amusment of others, i aam becoming more objectified than i ever have been.

i had a guest that was amazingly interesting, and we talked for the whole hour non stop, she was an ex-dominatrix who lead an amazing life, and she had very different views from mine.

my views are that of openess and learning about the many aspects of sex so that we can all make informed decisions on what is best for us. She was of the opinion that it should all be ones own buissiness and should not impeach on anyone elses rights to not need/want to know, i could not argue with her because i saw here point as extremly valid.

a person knows if they are not being fufilled in a way that they feel is right, and i hope they would activly seek out what then would fufill them, so there is no need for the sex to be so in your face all the time, or even exposed that much, but i do believe that there should be adeqaute and ample information should the person need it.

we also talked about de-criminalisation and legalisation, and how legalisation would in theory produce more problems because there would be the lack of "buzz" the same if sex was alot more open, if it was exposed alot more the would be less "buzz" and peple who are enticed by the thrill would look for mre elicit deeds to become involved in.

there was also the worry that de-criminalisation would bring about objectification in the sense that only if the one prostitute was her own boss (and everything inbetween) would there be no objectification or outside influence. but then i did argue that influence does not always have to come from outside sources, it can come from within yourself and perhaps a lack of confidence in anything but your physical attributes which could push someone completly by themselves into a sexual profession.

i have quite a few appointments tommorow which again should heed interesting results.

on a more personal subject i've been struggling with my practice in the sense that it is no way "complete" at this moment, its research and always on-going and re-hashing research, and until i gain all the information that i can, and as a result feel equipped enough to tackle the subject with publications and finished "products" if you will whatever i do for the next 1 to 40 years will only ever be progression towards this subject which can seem never ending in its quest to help inform and adapt the current state of life into something better. in that sense i feel my attempts futile on a short term basis.