So, after feeling quite bizarre earlier i've gotten back to "normality"


I have been thinking about the whole art context of the work that i'm making and i've come to the conclusions that: often art needs to be whats conventional as 'art', its pleasent and its safe.
But when it becomes something not so tried and tested, it becomes interesting because so many other factors come into consideration regarding its existance and the debate about whether its art or not comes up. which is not explored enough.

because a painting is a painting or a sculpture is a sculpture or a video is a video you don't really ask the question well, is this art? because its established already to some extent that it is art.

i feel validated by what i'm doing because it helps people, it allows me to gain a wider understanding for my ultimate goal, its interesting and to some extent fairly new, its self-debatable you can talk about it within it, not around it or after it, but through while you are experiencing it.
I'm getting great documentation from it, and building relationships with people that will last longer than the extent of the art piece, because they are involved i am involved and in a way through my research they will be there within the piece until (if ever) it is completed.

I was brought some Fimo (modelling clay) today, by my guest and i was confused as to what to do with it. This piece has no tangible structures other than my own thinking-actions.
so while in my state of mild boredom i have been just playing with it, and the shapes it takes while i think then become "sculptures"

I'm feeling today as if i could spend a lot longer in here, and it would be great thought wise and revelations wise, but i do believe it would drive me mad, not in a ultimatly bad way, but i do belive there is a limit per time that i could perform this, and as much as my thoughts and mind have been expanded, i also crave to get back to the normality of my everyday life.

i also miss fresh air and exercise.

i think i have come across a way to explore thoughts now, remove stimulus and push yourself.

after talking with a guest, i want to get out of here even more.

not because of the guest or anything we talked about/said to each other, but because the fact that i'm even now at the end of my time here beginning to discover things, about life and art and everything. it scares me.

im scared by the prospect of suddenly coming to a conclusion that perhaps i haven't thought that i would and that potentially the suprise could kill me.

i just used the word kill, thats quite strange, i think i was gunning more towards "could drive me insane".

i've also just noticed how more and more my thought process has become more and more narrative.

i'm not quite sure whats happening but i'm delightfully scared but not as much as i would be if i was in here for another extended period of time.

two guests today, both at the same time though, they were my parents.

most people seem to be willing and enthusiastic in their want for things to change, but so very often what they say contradicts what they say they want to happen.

stepping on toes is inevitable.

to say that you would be accepting of situations is all well and good, but often when you are faced with a situation (often new to you) the reaction is bad, or confused.

theres a sinking feeling i have that i'm really going to have to tackle what is "normal" and normalities, and as long as people and areas of exploration are given terminology and effectivly given their place it'll be hard to then think outside or beyond its 'place'.

I idly thought today that perhaps time is going faster than it usually would, perhaps because i am paying more attention to it, i must look at the time every 2 hours or so, i don't notice myself do it now, but i'm definatly makinga mental note of the countdown.
and as the time gets closer to the end i feel something coil within me that i cannot describe as relief or reluctance.
i must admit i mostly feel safe here, bored (in the way that the concept of boredom has changed for me) and restless, but i do wonder what it'll feel like to be outside of this space.
because i have no books, no tv not stimulus to speak of i have no real desire for it, and i also find myself thinking more and more clearly.

sometimes i think that time has specifically stopped for me when i sense no movement, early in the morning for example.
it starts almost as soon as i think its stopped.
i think a sense of panic washes over me when i think its stopped because i then somehow feel like i will be confined to my room indefinatly, even though in theory if time stopped there would be nothing but myself keeping myself here.

I had no vistors today, but some interesting conversations over the web, with one man from india and a few people from the gallery where this is being primarily broadcast.

another man with an alias "Wolf" got fairly angry with me because i did not reply to him straight away after asking me a question. If this is what you do day in day out i wonder now, if verbal anger through a chat and voice system are as potent as the real physical thing, or even just to a lesser extent.
to what extent then can the webcam models detatch themselves from real emotions and typed emotions.
and how do they maask and hide their boredom/fatigue. do they even feel the need to?


i must admit i've become quite adept at handling my actions around the webcam, finding blind spots and such to do things, yet still sometimes i forget i am on camera and my expressions give away what i am thinking or doing.

with each lovely sunny day i find myself getting more and more frustrated that i cannot be outside in order to enjoy the sun, and i have noticed even though i get adquate sleep, perhaps even more sleep than i need, i have developed very large bags under my eyes, perhaps its from the effort/stress of my position, but i don't know. all i know is that i am getting good amounts of sleep and yet i'm always tired and getting more grouchy, i have developed my nervous rash i often get and my skin doesn't seem to be too healthy.
all a by product of not enough outside exercise i think, i really am going to just spend most of my "free" time outside when i get out.

I had one vistor today, lat ein the afternoon, so i had a pretty relaxed day, took some more pictures, the wall is starting to look barer as the days go by, and i really do want to fill at least one wall.

got brought a book today, seems people that know me are sympathetic of my predicament and it brings out the generosity in them, like im in hospital...or under arrest, very peculiar.

been wondering for two days now whether this experiments usefulness as come to a halt.
i'm not getting many visitors, although the internet/online vistors are still abundant, mostly with bad/rude intentions but i do get the occasional ones genuinly interested in what im doing and why.

i think things will pick up after thursday, so friday and saturday should be quite busy and therefore interesting.





wondering slightly if the world has stopped outside my room here and actually nothing is happening bar what is happening here, which is pretty much nothing. but thats a whole other debate.

small annoyances today,

i lost a chat log because the client i am using to chat to people with crashed later in the day, so i am now going tosave chats at intervals during the day.

had a fairly busy but paced day. one appointment at 12 another at 2 both of which were interesting in there own way.
i discovered that my reasoning for my work and research might not be wholly for other peoples benefit and could very well be part of a personal "journey" i am on.
In a way yes this is true, i am always learning and always trying to better myself in whatever way seems appropriate, and if this subject didn't mean much to me i believe it would not have been taken on so seriously by myself.

days seem to be getting shorter aswell, for whatever reason, perhaps im finally getting used to the sheduale, but i have been finding lots of things to do and lots of things to think about.
Its strange the kindness in people is brought out when you see/know someone that your are accquainted with is is an unfavourable position that you yourself would not like to be in. i have recieved quite alot of things, small presents and such to keep me entertained.

sombody bought me a ceramic pet dish to decorate while i talked with her in an appointment, a strange new development but very interesting for my notes.

i wonder whether i will develop any other "pollys" to keep me company...maybe i already have.

after a slight hiccup in plans on the night of the 5th day i awoke a little later than usual on the 6th day.

having had no appointments on the 5th day i was feeling a little detached from real people, having only my virtual "fans" to converse with.
i had a rather in depth conversation about the whys and hows of webcam women and propmtly nearing the end of the fairly in depth and insightful conversation he stated.

"can we have camera sex now?"

i don't really have many words to describe what i felt. and now i feel that even if i actually could or did do something that made it safer and better for each party would anyone really still care as long as they were getting their sex?

i started putting up my pictures in earnest, i must get more developed and printed, as it is looking quite interesting.

My one appointment was probably the most casual due to my waining energy and growing distatse for my room, but it was productive none-the-less, we talked about the subject of education and how laws are passed and law and government in general.
its amazing to find what subjects come about from other subjects and just how differently everybody reacts to them, views may be similar but there are never two the same.

not a good day at all.

i had no guests today that wanted to come to speak to me and i began to really feel the toll of being on cam and dealing with anonymus people that are very demading and very rude.

i found out what the average wage for a girl working on camera per week is, $300.

but you have to build a good fanbase before you can start earning really good money.

it makes me a little sick in a way because the information on the sites where you sugn up to become a webcam model give VERY limited information.

earn $1000's!
Huge cash prizes for the best webcam model!
easy money from home!

But i guess that how they get their models, if it diodn't sound appealing, nobody would want to do it.
i keep getting really angry with it, and how it makes you feel, but then i keep thinking back to the fact that many jobs, should you not enjoy them could be this un-satisfying, and if you let it, degrading.

i mean take somebody whos really in support of local buissiness's, i imagine they would feel fairly similar if they then went to work for a big multinational corporation.

sometimes we just cannot get past the sex.

its only if it bothers you or if you let it bother you. that's why the faint of heart and weak of mind could not really cope with this job, you have to have alot of confidence and be very comfortable with your own body, i guess to the extent that you don't feel it is being exploited, or you can detatch yourself from it completly and just do your job.

uploading pictures to voyeur website:


description:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
for 12 days im constantly on webcam and taking photos of myself.
i am watching myself as i am being watched, they are watching me live and watch myself constantly.
i am surrounded by evidence of watching myself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

www.projectvoyeur.com

had a very difficuly day today, after yesterday i was feeling drained to the point where i'd taken many steps back in my thinking.

things only slightly im proved today, i had one appointments which was very good, but numerous online appointments that were grating, enlightening and bizarre. all of which will feature in the presentation of my research during the public gallery show.

deterioration of my "spirit" and general fatigue has gotten gradually worse today, alothough i've picked up after this evening with a somewht re-newed energy to carry on dispite feeling like 7 more days are going to be hellish.

so theory wise i've decided that webcam's are good in the way that they don't physically hurt either party involved, but the emotional and verbal abuse can penetrate deeper should it get to you, with a hardened individual i believe this abuse could be brushed off of even just filtered out, so thats why i thought that more information should be avalible for girls (and men) when signing up for webcam work, or alternativly they should be given some form of training/talk to prepare themselves for what could happen. based on personality, as long as one was a strong enough person to take the verbal abuse and allow it not to harm them it would be fine.
another harmful factor could be the ditatchment from reality that the "punters" or people who use the webcam service could eventually fall victim to, this again would hopefully be avoided with education from teenage years upwards on realities and non-realities, coupled with wide edcuation in other sexual activies.

the real question is how to go about educating in a way that isn't intrusive and that would be beneficial.

as of yet i have no appointments tommorow so im going to spend the better part of the day taking pictures and personal reflection. i'm going to try an action tommorow, which i will record and assess afterwards.