two guests today, both at the same time though, they were my parents.

most people seem to be willing and enthusiastic in their want for things to change, but so very often what they say contradicts what they say they want to happen.

stepping on toes is inevitable.

to say that you would be accepting of situations is all well and good, but often when you are faced with a situation (often new to you) the reaction is bad, or confused.

theres a sinking feeling i have that i'm really going to have to tackle what is "normal" and normalities, and as long as people and areas of exploration are given terminology and effectivly given their place it'll be hard to then think outside or beyond its 'place'.

I idly thought today that perhaps time is going faster than it usually would, perhaps because i am paying more attention to it, i must look at the time every 2 hours or so, i don't notice myself do it now, but i'm definatly makinga mental note of the countdown.
and as the time gets closer to the end i feel something coil within me that i cannot describe as relief or reluctance.
i must admit i mostly feel safe here, bored (in the way that the concept of boredom has changed for me) and restless, but i do wonder what it'll feel like to be outside of this space.
because i have no books, no tv not stimulus to speak of i have no real desire for it, and i also find myself thinking more and more clearly.

sometimes i think that time has specifically stopped for me when i sense no movement, early in the morning for example.
it starts almost as soon as i think its stopped.
i think a sense of panic washes over me when i think its stopped because i then somehow feel like i will be confined to my room indefinatly, even though in theory if time stopped there would be nothing but myself keeping myself here.